Walk Before You Run

The other day I was sitting in church with my family and I just about pinched myself on the arm because  I felt like I was dreaming.  This still just doesn't even seem real.  How is is possible that this has happened?  How have I managed to make a career (or at least start one) doing things I love? It was like the whole last year of my life just hit me.  Nine months I have been at this new job and I finally feel like I am past the initial shock of it all.  Maybe I am past some of the awkward firsts-like a toddler who doesn't fall every time she tries to walk, but still isn't running any marathons, because it takes years of training and developing muscle to do so.

Being past the initial shock feels good in a way.  I feel like maybe I am starting to feel at home, but I still feel grossly inadequate most days.  I feel too small and too weak.  (I'm working on the physical strength by the way-I wish I had discovered the benefits of lifting weights earlier in life)  I feel like there is no way I am ever going to know all I need to know, and be able to do what I need to do-and do it well. I get impatient with myself. (Can anyone relate to that?  Remember how I said I am not a patient person?)  I expect to be good at things the first time I try, and let me tell you, I am not.  I don't think many people are, but sometimes it seems as if they are when you're the one learning.  

When I think about all the things I have learned in the past year, I can hardly believe it-I even start to feel a little proud.  But then I think of all the things I still have to learn and I deflate. (It brings to mind a story my grandma used to read to me about pride coming before the fall.)  My ego gets a reality check when I think that I don't know how much I have to learn because I don't know enough about firefighting to even make a general guess.  Its overwhelming-but exciting at the same time.  If there's one thing that I've never wanted its a boring career.  I've never wanted to feel like I've learned all there is to learn, because what fun would that be?  I want to keep learning.  The day I don't want to learn anymore is the day I should not be working anymore.  

But-learning is hard.  Stretching your mind and body to be able to do things you never thought you could isn't always easy.  Its rewarding-just not easy.  Fear of failure is always there rearing its ugly head.  And of course there is always the criticism from the people who think you're nuts for even trying, but we already talked about that.  Better to be criticized by some than to never come out of your comfort zone and just not do anything. (Because that's the only way we can avoid it, remember?) 

The other day I was talking with a friend and he said something about not knowing where he was going to end up.  I told him that life is a work in progress and we shouldn't "end up" (at least physically) until we are no longer on this earth. ( I had to remind myself of this when I was thinking about how I'd like a bigger and nicer house, too)  I have to remind myself of that often.  I haven't "ended up" here, I have started up here.  This is the beginning of my career-and my life, really.  This is me at the last leg of my rookie year and I am scared to death and yet excited as heck to see what else lies ahead.  The thing is we never know.  We never know what is coming, even if we think we have it all planned out.  Because, as you and I should know by now, life doesn't always go as planned.  

Enjoy it while you can

The other day I told my daughter she sounded like a broken record and she said, "Mom, what are you talking about?"  I laughed and thought it was funny, but how would she know what a record was?  She is seven.  She doesn't know what a cassette tape is either.  My kids think it is funny that phones used to be connected to the wall and you could only use them to talk-no texting, watching movies, or playing games.

I've read a lot lately about the "entitlement generation" and how people 35 and younger didn't have to work as hard as our parents.  I do agree that there are a lot of things that were easier for me growing up than my parents and grandparents.  I also think there are some things that were harder.  I think every generation is unique and every time period comes with its own conveniences and challenges. Every generation thinks the one after is "spoiled" or "entitled".  My parents know I missed out on having party lines, my grandparents know my parents missed out on "simpler times" when no one had a phone, etc.  Sometimes I wish my kids knew what it was like to grow up when I did, before kids all had their own electronic gaming devices and we played outside for entertainment. I guess we did have gaming systems..our closest neighbor (5 miles down the gravel road) had a Nintendo.  My brother and I would ride our bikes up and down the hills between our house and theirs just to play Nintendo for awhile-and we thought it was the greatest thing ever.  My kids just have to find the tablet and make sure it has enough battery to play a game. If my kids had to ride their bikes 10 miles round trip to play a game I don't think they'd do it.  I feel they have things easier, but harder too.  I never had to worry about cyber bullies-I didn't even know what that meant!  My parents didn't have to monitor my internet sites because there was no such thing.  A lot of things that were created to make our lives easier have made them harder, too.  I think we forget that there is a difference between easier and simpler.  Yes-some things might be easier with all the communication and hyper connectivity we have today, but they are not really simpler.  We complicate our lives with being constantly connected with just about everyone we know.  Don't get me wrong-I think its great to be able to talk with my friends I don't live near with nothing more than typing a few words.  Our parents didn't have that when they were our age-they had to pick up the phone-or write a letter (what's that?!).

Of course fire and EMS are no strangers to changing times and different generations.  The only constant is that things will always change. I've come to the point in my life where I crave the wisdom of my elders.  I have gotten past my rebelliousness of young adulthood and want to know more about how generations before me did things.  Don't get me wrong-I have no plans to move to a one room cabin without running water.  I think, though that there is so much to be learned from those who have done this before.  When I have a patient in the ambulance who is in his or her 80s or 90s, I really enjoy listening to their stories.  I love hearing what they did when they were my age, the kids they raised, the job they worked.  They have such a healthy pride in their accomplishments, accompanied by humility and gratitude.  I can tell just by listening to them for a few minutes that they worked harder than I can imagine for everything they have-and they are grateful.  Sometimes I wish I could go back in time-just to see what it was like when they were in their prime-how they handled things compared to my generation. I am always inspired by them, and of course they always tell me "enjoy it while you can, it'll go by fast."  And I am starting to think that they are right.

So I will enjoy it.  I'll enjoy my kids while they are home-the camping trips, family vacations, and just regular old Tuesday nights in the yard or in front of the TV.  I'll enjoy having the ability to work and help others.  And I'll try to gain some wisdom from my elders in the process.

Life's too short

Anyone who has had stress in their life knows that it can affect everyone differently.  Usually, though, the effects usually have one thing in common: they're negative.  Stress can make a person sleep less, eat less/more, worry more, enjoy life less, and cause a whole list of long term health problems doctors are still discovering.  We all have stress-and some is good.  The stress of being occupied and employed is usually a good thing.  On the other hand, the stress of losing a job or a loved one can be detrimental.  I have experienced both of these stresses in the last few months.

You already know that I changed jobs and moved my family to a new town this year.  Although you might say that was stressful, it was good.  I like to compare it to a healthy pain, like when you're running or lifting weights and you push yourself and feel that fatigue followed by a great sense of accomplishment and in some cases, even euphoria.  Unfortunately though, the other kind of stress can feel like those weights got dropped on your abdomen.  It can feel like it is crushing you, inside and out.  I think most people can relate to both of these.  I lost my grandmother this past February and even though her death was not a surprise, she was very ill and was 88 years old, it still hurt.  It hurt to lose an amazing woman who lived her whole life with a selflessness I can only dream of having. It hurt to know I won't see her again this side of heaven, and that my kids probably won't remember her. In the months after my grandma passed, several people from my hometown died suddenly and unexpectedly.  Shortly after that, a 38 year old volunteer firefighter from a nearby town died in a house fire from floor collapse and a fall.  Now, if you were around me when I heard the news of all these deaths, you would think I am a rock.  Some people may even think I am cold and don't have a heart.  And honestly, sometimes I think those things too.  But then a few weeks go by.  I go on about my daily routines and I just start getting irritable.  Everything anyone does makes me angry, even if it shouldn't.  

I think these types of reactions are common for people who work in high stress jobs.  I have read a lot about post traumatic stress and how it can affect all of us.  The crazy thing to me is how things can affect us even when we don't think they do.  I was saddened to hear about the fallen firefighter, but he was not someone I knew personally.  Something about that, though affected me way more than I thought.  I think deep inside somewhere I was wondering if I would fall apart completely if something like that happened to someone I know.  I was wondering what would happen to my family if it happened to me.  I think everyone who heard the news was wondering those things-even if we don't like to admit it. 

It is so hard sometimes to find balance to work these things out.  We live in a culture of extremes. We have workoholics and people who won't get off the couch, epidemics of both obesity and eating disorders.  We are almost taught by example to be extreme. If work stresses us out, we bury ourselves in more work.  If we're too depressed to leave the house, we stay in and make it worse. Where is balance?  How can we achieve a good balance of everything?  It is, in my opinion, one of the hardest things to do-but also one of the most important.  We need to have fun, visit our friends and take time for our families and things we enjoy.  Life is too short to put off what is most important.  <3 

The right place at the right time

Have you ever just felt like you were meant to be somewhere at a certain time?  I have heard people tell stories about coincidence, fate, or God placing them in a situation by a miracle.  I had never really had an experience like this until the day of my second interview with the fire service.

 Now I don't know how men choose clothes, but I know we women many times over think our wardrobe for special days.  I tried really hard not to over think but the harder I tried the more I thought about it.  (There have to be at least a few people out there who know what I'm talking about!)  I finally put on some gray dress pants and a black shirt and headed out the door.  Oh, and some red heels-coincidentally red is my favorite color and I thought they might be a nice touch for an interview at a place with a bunch of red trucks. (Yes, I know...typical woman, what can I say I'm still a girl)  My interview wasn't until 1500 but I was so excited that I got on the road at about 1200 and headed out of town.  The drive was only about an hour and a half but of course you never know what can happen out on the road and being late for an interview is just never a good idea.  When I was about 10 miles away from my destination I saw a car and a farm truck in the ditch.  There were two men standing by the car and one had blood coming down his back and was holding his head.  The other man looked uninjured but I couldn't help but think that there was a lot of blood on the one man's back and there was no law enforcement or EMS there.  I stopped my car and told the men my name.  I told the man who was bleeding to sit down because I didn't want him to pass out.  The man's head was still bleeding and he had taken off his shirt.  Of course I had no gloves with me on this day even though I usually carry some in my car, and of course I was dressed in my pretty interview clothes and red high heels. I could tell the man was getting tired of holding his head because he wasn't holding strong enough pressure on it anymore and it was still bleeding.  I grabbed the man's dirty t shirt he had taken off and held pressure on his scalp with it.  (Not exactly the most sterile thing but in a situation like that you do what you can.)  Within a couple of minutes highway patrol and EMS arrived and they took over.  They thanked me and I got back in my car and headed for my interview-miraculously still clean.  While driving the rest of the way I thought about what had happened and how crazy it was that I came upon that accident.  Would the man have been ok if I had not shown up?  Most likely.  But it was still just so strange to me that on this day of all days that happened in my path just a minute before I was passing by.

After washing my hands thoroughly, I went to my second interview.  It went great.  I had a good feeling about it and even told my interviewers about what had happened on my way to town earlier.  I remember one of them joking with me that I shouldn't be out there causing accidents.  I started home shortly after the interview and called my husband.  I told him about what had happened on the way to the interview and about the interview itself.  When he heard my story, he said, "well I guess we'd better start packing our stuff!"  He was confident I would get the job.  I wasn't so confident, but I was definitely hopeful.  As it turned out I got a phone call before I was even back home offering me the job pending a background check.  I was so excited that I pulled over to the side of the road and did a "car dance" (you know that happy dance you do in your car but passersby probably think it looks more like a seizure? Yeah, one of those.)

Well now you know how I got here and how this adventure began.  I have had a few people tell me that apparently God wanted me to be in the place I was at the time I was that day.  Maybe He did. There is no way for me to know what God thinks but it sure seems that way to me too.




"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you."

-Jeremiah 29:11